Tuesday, April 21, 2009

talk abt mood swings

great.
now for no rhyme or reason dad's pissed at me.
i really don't know what the world is coming to.
why is everyone so freakin' hard to please.

already 24 and still being controlled.
where's the sense in that?
seriously?

at times like this, i wish i had my own place of solitude and refuge.
solitude doesn't seem so bad now.
at least i'll have peace by myself.
without having to watch my back all the time in case someone decides to get pissed off at me.
just get off my back. seriously.

talk about randomness.

fed up is what best describes my current situation now.

trying to see the sense in everything

whats the bloody point of salvaging things now?
especially after all that has been said and done.
airing dirty linen for the world to see and talk about.
is it just seeking attention or what is it?
i really don't get it.

i remember telling you before, in a relationship, it takes 2 hands to clap.
n just last nite you tell me about it being a one way street.
who ever treated this as a one way street?
who?

i get that you need a longer time to cool off and so i let you.
how am i to know how long you need?
even after the so-called cooling off, you still could be so antagonistic towards me.
is that all i'm worth?
you jus being pissed off at me?

when was the last time i picked on ur shortcomings?
when was the last time i told you things i don't like about u, the way you handle things, the way you are or the way you drive?
when did i have expectations of you that i told to in ur face?
when did i have expectations and not say it?
when did i not give you credit?
when did i not tell you that i appreciate you taking the trouble to send me home after all the Clubbing?
when did i not tell you i appreciate the things you do?
when when when?

and now, i get told off one issue at a time.
exploded in my face.
just based on 1 issue. which is a small matter to begin with.
all we needed was to resolve it. to come to a common understanding.
but you chose to stay angry. you chose to be disappointed.
you could have talked to Grace, Shiqin, ask them for ways to help the situation.
but you chose not to.
fine, maybe you think they are MY sounding boards, therefore you feel it's not right for you to talk to them.
as much as Grace is my cousin, my best friend. she's your friend too.
i have no doubt that she will be objective thru it all. if only you just tried.

if it was all so important to you, why did you have to leave it all till now.
after saying all those hurtful stuff.
being so antagonistic and sacarstic.

for the record, you're not the only person hurt.
you're not the only person feeling shitty.
you're not the only victim here.

everytime we had issues, when did i post stuff about you on MSN or FB?
when?
by your last post last night and deleting/removing all our photos n such.
isn't it all clear enough?
i texted to ask if you still wanted the relationship.
guess what, you didn't reply.
how do you think you made me felt?

happy or sad, good times or bad, everything you announce to the whole world.
now even by you not eating, your whole family knows whats going on.
real smart move.
as if it's not bad enough that your whole FB & MSN contacts are probably thinking i'm such a bitch.
now your family too.
thanks alot. really.

i hated to think that our r'ship has an expiration date of 6 months like all your previous ones, because i held to my heart, the statement you made about me being different.
maybe you were just saying it.

if you know me well enough, you'd know how i handle things.
you'd know i'd be ok if you just talk nicely.
why must there be attitude problems for the sake of it?
we're all adults here.
why is there a need to make such a negative point?

admittedly, yes i have a lot of committments, yes i have a lot of friends whom i am not willing to let go off. it's not the first day you know me.
isn't r'ships about mutual acceptance?
what good is a r'ship if both parties are just going to keep pin-pointing faults and short-comings?
would you rather a girlfriend who has an exceptionally good social life, who includes you occassionally?
or would you rather a girlfriend who has the usual bunch of friends in her life and spends time with her family?

i know you don't like it that i don't put your name up here.
and yes, my closer friends would know who i'm talking about.
but still i choose not to put names up here.
because i'm very sure, years from now, i'll know who i'm talking about.

ya, it's good while it lasted.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.


The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full..
They agreed it was..


The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'


The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.. 'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

need for inspiration

'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.

If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

The best vitamin for making friends..... B1.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Ideas won't work unless 'you' do.

Your mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what you might have been.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right.

Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back.
Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

does it really matter?

first of all, CONGRATULATIONS to Steph & Michelle on their baptism last Sunday!
i'm really proud of the both of you for going thru the RCIA. it is a trying journey of faith indeed, and i'm glad you both made it thru...
Thank God.

so all the office chatter yesterday about their baptism made me think, and it also stirred my other cradle catholic colleague to ask me random questions throughout the afternoon.
i think his intention was to test my knowledge of the catholic faith.
to be honest, i know nuts about it.
i know nuts about dates of obligation and important church information.
i.e. when was the vatican II established? what was the significance of the vatican II?
when is ascension? when is ash wednesday?

ya ok, big deal i don't know the answers to the above.
big deal that i'm a bad Catholic.
so what?
does that change my faith in God?

religion is just superficial practices.
practices to show people what we're all about.
what's the point?
you do it with unhappy hearts, where's the sense in that?

at the end of the day, to me, it's all about the heart.
it's all about the psychology behind the things we do/say.

everything else is symbolic.

so really, does it really matter?

Monday, March 30, 2009

this day

today has finally arrived.

mummy, i'm proud of your courage to finally decide to do this.
you must believe that it is for the greater good.
i know you must be in so much pain and fear.
but yet, you are trying and have been trying to contain it all within yourself. as you always do.

i'm sorry i can't be there with you mum. but you must believe we're there beside you, wishing you strength and hope.
i'm praying for your safety and the success of the operation.

be strong mummy.
i'll see you soon.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

out of it

fed-up would best describe how i feel today.

bad sucky start to my morning.

so she fell down the stairs, now she's limping worst than ever before.
in a span of 2 days again she decided to be fickle-minded.
what is so difficult about it, i just don't get it.

now its his turn to be unwell. stressed from all the unnecessary drama she has been giving him.
im glad he is not as stubborn
i did tell him today, that i'm very very proud of him to remain cool and patient thru it all.
but unfortunately, those are just words. the damage is done.
now his health is paying for it - unknowingly.

everyone is aging. and there's no way to stop it.
i hate to see them in this poor state of their being.
so fragile.

just the other night, i was out with them buying groceries for church, when i saw him carry all those heavy stuffs, he tripped n almost knocked himself. but thankfully, he didnt.
thats when she passed a comment saying that he's drunk.
n so i told her off very quickly... he's not drunk. theres no way he cud be bcos he didnt even have a drop of alcohol. he's just OLD.

indeed, OLD is the word.
AGING too perhaps.
it's time to face it.

as cool & calm as i'm trying to be, as objective as i try to remain,
somethings are just not within my control all the time.
mood & emotions are terribly volatile of late.

no matter what, i'm thankful for my girlfriends.
i know i can talk to them and be comforted.
and i'm glad they understand me.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Inspirational Speech by Dr. Randy Pausch On the Oprah Winfrey Show: The Last Lecture. Dr. Pausch Passed Away On July 25, 2008

heart-full

here i am again, about to rant.
good ol' trusty blog, my all time favourite sounding board =)
just hope it doesnt hate me for always typing out my random thots & feelings

well it's 5 days to mum's op.
ya ok fine, im worried and not the most positive of people now, admittedly.

keep wondering how things will be like when she'll be in bed most of the time...
it's at times like this that i realise how i've taken my mum for granted all these years...
just a woman at home who's got hardly any ambition -
who'll just wake up early everyday;
talk to her daughters or nag at them in the morning;
watch us get ready for work;
send us out the door;
start her day with prayers;
moving on to chores ard the house (cleaning, washing, ironing);
have lunch alone;
occasionally go grocery shopping alone;
carry all the heavy groceries alone;
chat up with her sis or mum;
watch her soap operas in the late afternoon alone;
prepare dinner;
wait for her husband to come home;
cook dinner;
wash up;
watch some more tv;
wait for her daughters to come home;
say her prayers and go to bed.

yup. that pretty much sums up her life on a daily basis.
exciting isnt it?

i just want everything to turn out well.
mum to be happy with her op and the outcome - that she wont be in excruciating pain
that she'll be ok...
that the rest of us at home can get our act together and not have to clean up after one another.
it's time to show some "family spirit" ard here now.
above all, i just wish for mum to stay positive no matter what.
only we know how much courage it took for her to agree to this.

i must focus on the objective. and remain focused.

my family's the top priority right now and im not going to let anything change that.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Pass Me Not

have i neglected God?
i have.
has my faith waivered?
i hope not.

i found my daily Gospel underneath a pile of work papers & other booklets...
why should i only turn to God when i'm feeling down.
this is so hypocritical.

this song best describes how i'm feeling. it represents my thoughts.
i over it unto Him.

Pass me not, O gentle Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.

Refrain:
Savior, Savior, Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.

Let me at Thy throne of mercy
Find a sweet relief,
Kneeling there in deep contrition;
Help my unbelief.

The Law of the Garbage Truck

How often do you let other people’s nonsense change your mood?
Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss or an insensitive employee ruin your day?
Unless you’re the Terminator, you’re probably set back on your heels.

However, the mark of your success is how quickly you can refocus on what’s important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson.
And I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here’s what happened:

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when all of a sudden a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, the car skidded, the tires squealed and at the last moment the car stopped just one inch from the other car’s back-end.

And what did we see next? The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started swearing at us. How do I know? Ask any New Yorker, some words in New York come with a special face.

And then here’s what blew me away. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, "Why did you just do that!? This guy could have killed us!" And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck™"
He said: Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they’ll dump it on you. So when someone wants to dump on you, don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and move on. Believe me. You’ll be happier.


So I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me?
And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home or on the street? It was then that I said, "I don’t want the garbage and I’m not going to spread it anymore."


I began to see Garbage Trucks. Like in the movie "The Sixth Sense," where the little boy said, "I see Dead People." Well now "I see Garbage Trucks."
I see the load they’re carrying. I see them coming to drop it off. And like my taxi driver, I don’t take it personally; I just smile, wave, wish them well and move on.


The bottom line is that successful people do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day. What about you? What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more Garbage Trucks pass you by?

And my taxi driver was right. I am happier.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

it's all his fault

recent happenings has brought me to this conclusion.

as much as i understand the sense of belonging and the need to control, how much can you seriously control and watch over?
how much more problems/issues must you cause to understand that YOU are the real cause of everyone's confusion and increase in stress & workload?!
sure as hell doesn't take a genius to figure that out.

sigh. what a pain.

upset all the operations and cause us grief. replying emails that don't provide anything close to a solution.

as poor thing as i somehow think you are.
we are also victims of your "little" long staged play.

*shakes head and sighs at the same time* - over and over again

Thursday, March 05, 2009

less drama

i am thankful for a stable and normal week thus far.
hardly any drama this week.

i conclude that the recipe to a productive and efficient person is when he/she is in a good mood - unaffected by external negative factors. of course, that is hardly possible no matter how resilient a person can try to be.

nevertheless, i am just glad that all is fine now.

feeling so tired. just need to sleep =.=

all the rain and wind is making me lazy, and also causing my shoulder to ache.
crappologies.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

A Different Approach to Fasting

1. Fast from anger and hatred - Give your family and friends an extra dose of love each day

2. Fast from judging others - Before making any judgments, recall how Jesus overlooks our faults.

3. Fast from discouragement - Hold on to Jesus' promise that He has a perfect plan for your life.

4. Fast from complaining - When you find yourself about to complain, close your eyes and recall some of the little moments of joy Jesus has given you.

5. Fast from resentment or bitterness - Work on forgiving those who may have hurt you.

6. Fast from spending too much money - Try to reduce your spending by ten percent and give those savings to the poor.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

same story, different day

it hasn't even been done yet.
one month seems like such a long way more - it seems like forever. somehow.
but everday it's the same story, different day.

i'm exhausted. really.
emotionally, mentally and physically.
how am i to cope?
as much as i can't expect her to understand what i'm going through but why are our feelings being neglected?

i understand her fears. does she understand mine?
i know how she feels. does she know how i feel?

God, please help me.
i'm on a sinking ship and i really don't know what to do anymore.
how am i to make her understand and see the objectives?
please help me. i can't afford to lose my faith now. not now.

Monday, February 09, 2009

hope.

Four candles in a dark room burn slowly. The ambience was soft, so soft you could hear their thoughts.

The first one said: “I am Peace. However, nobody can keep me lit. I believe I will go out.” Its flame rapidly diminishes and goes out completely.

The second one says: “I am Faith. Most of all, I am no longer indispensable, so it doesn’t make sense that I stay lit.” When it finished talking, a soft breeze blew on it, putting it out.

Sadly, the third candle spoke in its turn: “I am Love. I haven’t got the strength to stay lit. People put me aside and don’t understand my importance. They even forget to love those who are nearest to them.” And waiting no longer, it flickers and dies.

Suddenly, a child enters the room and sees three candles not burning. “Why are you not burning? You are supposed to stay lit till the end.” Saying this, the child begins to sob.

Then the fourth candle said: “Don’t be afraid. While I am still burning, we can relight the other candles, for I am Hope!”

With shining eyes, the child took the candle of hope and lit the other candles.

Even when you seem to lose all else, always keep the flame of hope burning within you.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

mutual understanding

life would be a lot less complicated if people took a step back every now and then to realise that they should understand people or each other more.
then again, i have since long ago concluded that nothing i do is ever good enough.
surely, someone has smthg to say abt something in my life.
else, they just get upset at me and i'm suppose to be a psychic and read the signs.

it seems to me, that it is an evil occurance to be close to someone, anyone.
and it's all because of expectations.
pple dun seem to want to cut each other some slack these days.
and pple dun give each other enough credit for the things they do.
humans are such that they thrive on picking on the misdeeds.
but whatever the case is, it just isn't suppose to be difficult or painful isnt it?

what's the point of making life so complicated and frustrating for one another?
and he said i have been so tensed lately.
no prizes for guessing why huh?

everyday, every week is a same cycle.
same shit, different day.
so shouldn't we help each other get through life a little easier?
make each other smile more, as opposed to getting pissed off over minor petty matters?

as it is, it is sad enough that weekends have to end, and mondays arrive cos that means work day.
sundays are always the hardest to get by.
yet, who cares?
cos anyway, people assume that i have an endless supply of confidence, self-esteem and positivity.
but in fact, half the time, i deal with it myself.
i am my own cheer leader. i am my own perk-myself-upper.

to be honest, maybe i do know what the real problem is.
so maybe if i just got rid of myself, then i would stop feeling this way.
then again, sooner or later, i might just lose my mind.

i'm freakin' tired of pleasing the world.
surely this can't be the reason for my existence.

i need a sign. please.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

impending disaster?

thought of the day:
if we keep comparing our current relationships to those of the past, that is truly a recipe for disaster.

why should there be a need to compare?
we are all individuals at the end of the day. no 2 people function in the exact same way.
as hard as we try to be objective most of the time, it's hard isn't it?
afterall, we are humans.

it's better to have loved, then never to have loved at all.
cliche but true.

learn to cherish those around you. be it your friends or significant other halves.
you'll never know when you might lose them - no warning signs, nothing.
live each day as it comes, be contented and thankful for all that you have.

just like procelain, relationships/friendships are extremely fragile.
once broken, no matter how hard you may try to mend it with teary eyes, things will just never be the same again.
you may even cry your eyes and lungs out, but will it matter anymore?

so don't do anything you might regret.
else, just be prepared to live with regret(s).